Public, Private or Homeschool???

School options are difficult for any family. Where is the best school for my child? Should I send them to the public school? Will they be able to get a quality education there? Should we choose a private school? If so, do we choose a religious school or a highly rated prep school? Will we "fit in" at the prep school or will our children be teased throughout their education? Should we homeschool? Can I teach my children?

These are a few of the typical questions that run through many parents minds about their education choices. We have went through most of these as well. When our children began school we felt public school was the best choice because of their disabilities they would be able to receive the best services there. We had no idea how difficult finding the right school would be.

When Shana was in preschool she was very happy and she loved school. When she started Kindergarten her teacher did not really work well with her and she started showing signs of anxiety. We found a school that focused on arts and transferred her there. This was a great option for the first couple years. When the principal changed the school changed too. Shana was being bullied and the school seemed unwilling and unable and many times she was suspended for hitting a child after they were bullying her. She was angry and unhappy most of the time and we struggled with the decision of what to do.

Hunter was and still is another problem altogether when it comes to school. In the first year of preschool all his teachers thought he should attend the public gifted school in our district. We applied for his Kindergarten year and he was placed on the wait list. He ended up attending the same school as his sister. We applied at the gifted school again for 1st grade and he did not qualify because his test scores were too low. I asked them if they made any accommodations because of his Asperger's and they said no. He was tested in a room with 25 other kids and got bored with the test and instead added up the number of questions on all the sections and then subtracted the number of questions he answered on each section to find out how many he would miss. This number was his exact number he missed.

It became clear to us at this time that the gifted school, although it is suppose to be equal for all children and not pick just the best of the district that they do not want children like Hunter there. I have even talked to many parents of children at the school and they have said there is not much diversity and most the kids are not only smart but also highly motivated. Hunter is motivated to learn what he is interested in the subject but sees things differently and doesn't always follow the standard lesson plan.

After being suspended for 10 days in the beginning of first grade, Hunter had to change schools. The district strongly wanted him in a Behavior Development (BD) program, even though his behaviors stem from his disability. Thankfully we found a program with a teacher willing to work with him and understand our concerns and truly seemed to care. We also moved Shana at this time and coincidently the principal at the new school was her former principal at the arts school. This year has been very good for both children and they are both doing better. Hunter went downhill for a little while but seems to be picking back up and is getting into the main classroom frequently.

However, academically we are not sure if the traditional school can meet his needs. Hunter is very bright and learns quickly. He is currently in first grade yet is reading at the 3rd-4th grade or higher levels (testing is hard for him), he is doing 3rd-4th grade math and has created his own methods for doing math.    The standard curriculum is not challenging or interesting.  He has found mistakes in the tests and often creates his own answers or questions instead of completing the requested information.

We are considering homeschooling him next year, but are concerned about his social needs. Having Aspergers he needs to work on social skills.  However, with the right support we should still be able to help him socially through groups and field trips. I think in many cases people that don't care for social situations find jobs and live their lives in a way that limits the amount of social contact they have with others.

So it adds more questions to the puzzle and all we can do is pray that we will make the right decisions. They are tough choices because we already feel like with Hunter we have lost almost 2 years because of all the changes and issues with his preschool (I will discuss that later) and we worry that if we make the wrong choice we will only set him back that much more. So we will continue praying and trust that God will lead us in the right direction.

Back to School

Sending the kids back to school after a break is something most parents look forward too. They've spent their time with the kids and now are ready to get back in the routine. For us going back after a break often brings new questions and few answers.

During our recent break Hunter had a huge improvement in his behavior. We had one large meltdown but with firm consequences (he lost the majority of his toys by the end) he was able to pull it back together and then did so well he earned the toys back in one week.

He just went back to school yesterday from his break and already is hitting, kicking and biting. This evening he even refused to clean his room. That is until I said I'd be happy to clean it up with a trash bag. That got him moving.

We've been back and forth on the proper way to discipline a child with Aspergers. When he has meltdowns it is something like when you sneeze or cough, you can't control it. Your brain and body says you need to and you can't stop it. On the other hand, he has to learn to function in society in a proper manner.

At school they focus on how well he calms down. This is good, because he has improved well, but at home I am trying to prevent the meltdowns in the first place. I've found the things that he likes and I use them to stop the meltdowns. If he starts to get upset and looks like he's going to have a problem, I give one warning stating clearly what I'm taking if he continues to get upset. This works most of the time. But having Aspergers sometimes he can't stop and continues to meltdown.

The question is, if he is unable to control the meltdown do you still punish him? Would you punish someone if right as they were getting ready to sneeze you said "if you sneeze, I will take your toy", and then they sneeze anyway?

They couldn't stop the sneeze and often Hunter can't stop his meltdowns. His brain doesn't process the warning, or he truly is to disregulated to control his body.

Well, I still discipline and follow through with the consequence. It's hard because there are the times that I truly feel he was unable to regulate his emotions and reactions and it seems cruel to discipline him. But I have found that I cannot always know if he is in control or not and it is better to follow through either way and allow him to learn from the mistake. I do not want him to learn to use his disability as an excuse for bad behavior.

I want my children to grow to be responsible, caring, hard working adults. I hope that allowing him to work through and learn from his challenges is the best way to help him learn these things, no matter how hard they are now.

Can We Find Normal?

There are days that we pray for a little bit of normal. For a day where the our family actually starts to feel just a little bit like the image we project to the public on a day to day basis. A day where we are all happy and content and things just feel right. These days are often few and far between and when they do occur we really don't want to comment that things are going well because that inevitably will cause the hammer to fall and then things go back to our "normal".

The last couple weeks have been like this. The kids have been off track from school and it has been very relaxed and the kids have been doing exceptionally well. Even with the death of their Grandfather they have held up well. Both the kids attended the funeral and we were so very proud of them. Both were sad but didn't get overly emotional, just sad. Hunter even saluted during taps (all on his own). This was so sweet to me and made me forget all the problems for that few minutes.

I will enjoy these days as long as they will last. The sad thing is with a child with Asperger's you can't just think to yourself that everything is going great and it will stay that way. It will end, it is only a matter of time. I'm not sure why he is doing well during this time, but I know that at any moment something could trigger a major meltdown. This makes it hard to enjoy the break, but I am still going to do my best.

Okay, I said I would try to go back through our history a little and now seems like a good time.

Let me start with Shana. We were very excited about becoming parents. We had dreams, but our dreams were not what we wanted for our child, but instead we wanted to allow our children to be what they want to be. My pregnancy with Shana was very uneventful up to the 32nd week. I had no morning sickness, no pain, no problems to speak of. I craved Mexican food and McDonald's french fries. Other then that there were no concerns.

When I was 32 weeks along we got a phone call late one night that my husbands cousin Eric had died in a horrible motorcycle accident. Eric was more like a brother to Pat than a cousin and we knew we had to attend the funeral. I immediately called my OBG and he said that there were no concerns with going. We would be driving about 6 hours to Albuquerque, NM. We were able to attend the funeral and had a few days to visit with family. On Saturday May 13, 2000 I was packing up my things so we could leave early the next morning. I had just finished and sat down at 10pm to watch a little tv before going to sleep. Then I felt like I had leaked (women you know what I mean). I went to the bathroom and it was clear to me that this was not right. My water had broke.

We rushed to the hospital, which coincendently was the same one my husband was born in. They stopped the labor and told us they were going to have to flight-for-life us to another hospital in the morning. The local hospitals with Level 4 NICU's were full. They said we would either be sent to Dallas, Lubbock, Phoenis or Denver. We asked if they could please get us to Denver as that was where we lived.

The next morning on Mother's Day, the crew from Denver arrived and we were loaded into an Ambulance and taken to the airport. There we were put on a lear jet and flown to Centennial Airport in Denver. I then got to ride in a helicopter from the airport to the hospital.

Once we got settled in they told me that since my water had ruptured and there was a high chance of infection they would not give me any more steroid shots (I had one in Albuquerque) until I was infection free for 48 hours. We were going to try to have me stay on bed rest in the hospital for 5 weeks if possible.

Shana couldn't wait though. On Tuesday May 16th, 2000 at 11am Shana was born. She weighed 4lbs 1oz and was 17 3/4 inches long. Very long and thin. I was able to hold her for only a few seconds before they took her to the NICU. We had decided Pat would stay with her and he left the room and went with Shana to the NICU. He came back a little later and told me they asked for him to step out because they needed to vetilate her.

I didn't see her again till a little later that day. She was hooked up to so many wires and the venilator to help her breath. She was so small but looked tough as nails. She was so pretty even with all the tubes and wires. She just melted my heart.

I will end for today. This is longer than I had expected to be. I will continue another day. I only pray the good days continue and allow me some time to go back through how we got to where we are today.

True Friends?

You always hear that you never really know who your true friends are until you experience a time of crisis. This is never more true than when you have a child with Aspergers. When my daughter was born 7 weeks premature everyone we knew was there to support us, to help babysit when we needed a break and even pitched in while my husband was deployed.

Over the years our support dwindled. I worked from home for awhile, making it easier as we needed less child care. But the stress from dealing with two children with disabilities has taken it's toll. We can't just call up the local teenage girl to watch our children as they would be unable to handle a meltdown if one were to happen. I would be afraid for the safety of my child as the meltdowns have the potential to push you near your breaking point if you are not trained to deal with it. I have to say it's funny as my husband and I have never been "trained" to deal with it, but I guess with all the on the job training we are doing okay.

We now have very few people to watch our children and even trying to find someone to watch my kids so my husband and I can go out for my birthday is hard. This can cause added stress by not getting a break from the daily struggles.

Death and Aspergers

Dealing with a death in the family can be hard for any family. It can be even more emotionally traumatic for a family with children like ours. Since both children have differing disabilities they respond to things in different ways then expected at times.

Yesterday, on Easter Sunday, my Father-In-Law passed away. My children had seen him the day before and we were surprised by his passing, even though we had a few signs that it would not be much longer, we were thinking a month or so longer. The chaos of dealing with the situation did not go well with our children and although we were able to have them picked up and taken to my grandparents it caused a lot of stress and disrupted their routines.

When I picked up the kids from my grandparents to take them home, the kids asked me what was going on. My husband wanted us to tell them together, so I told them when we got home we would talk to them. The kids heard me ask if we needed an ambulance earlier in the day and knew it had to do with Grandpa. In the car the kids said that they were worried because Grandpa was older and Hunter said that Grandpa would be a spirit sometime soon and Shana said he would go to heaven. It broke my heart and impressed me how well they understand life.

They both were very sad by the news and cried. Hunter cried in a way that surprised me. He sobbed and immediately said that he missed him.

We are concerned with how Hunter will handle the services, and if he will have more meltdowns from the stress of dealing with this extra loss. Today the kids are playing and seem unaware of the stress we are dealing with. They are fighting and Hunter had a meltdown over a toy not being the way he wanted it. We ended up throwing the toy away and this made him mad but it seemed like the best option. We will have to take it a day at a time and see what they need each day.