Roller Coaster Life

The last week has been like a roller coaster.  There have been many ups and downs, twists and turns and probably a few loops and I'm sure we have jumped the track a few times.  In a one week period of time we have gone from Hunter entering day treatment for what I thought would be a couple weeks, to inpatient care for three days so far and from what they are saying today a minimum of four more.  After which he will return to the day treatment for a minimum of a week or two.  I have been on the phone, back and forth to the hospital for meetings, classes and visits with Hunter.  They have started meds and increased the meds already.  I can only pray that this is going to have an impact and help him improve.  He is already crying saying he wants to come home and although it's the truth, it is hard to tell him he has to stay there until he can be safe.  An 8-year-old should not have to be told he can't come home until he is safe.  An 8-year-old should be out in the back yard playing with his dog, jumping on the trampoline, playing Wii, or playing a board game with his sister or friends.

It's been hard for me to figure out what was bothering me so much about this whole thing.  It wasn't that he was in the treatment center or the level of care.  But something has been just eating at me.  Tonight I realized that I think I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that we have to return to a very rigid structured routine with not only Hunter but Shana too.  We seemed to reach a point where the kids were able to do many things for themselves.  Now I'm realizing that they really need more support.  They can still do the things themselves but they need schedules and mini-schedules to be able to complete the tasks.  For those that don't know a mini-schedule is a schedule for something on a main schedule, such as brushing teeth.  The main schedule would say to brush teeth the mini-schedule would have each step of brushing (rinse brush, toothpaste on, brush top, side, bottom etc.).

I was a very independent child and did many things for myself.  I was a latch-key child and got up for school on my own, got ready and walked to school (I'm really not trying to use the old "up hills both ways" speech, only demonstrating the difference).  After school I made my own snack (homemade vanilla pudding, and I ate it hot off the stove, I don't know if you still call that pudding but it tasted great) and often went to the store and bought groceries for and cooked my own dinner.  It's been hard for me to not expect the kids to be more independent as I had so much at such an early age.  I have tried to give them more independence but I have been doing it the wrong way.  I expected them to be able to handle some of the things other kids their age can do but didn't realize they need the steps broken down more than the average child.

I'm also worried about Shana.  She has been becoming increasingly difficult and although I'm sure part of it is puberty changes I know most the other girls her age do not respond the way she does.  Today we went into the hospital for a family visit and Shana became very agitated at Hunter and got very upset.  Again it's nice that they show their "true colors" in these environments, but I'm really starting to feel lost again.  On the way home Shana got upset when I was trying to talk to her about a Girl Scout opportunity that will be next summer.  We have to fill out an application by tomorrow and I'm trying to determine whether she really wants to go or not.  She became more and more upset with me when asking simple questions and I finally had to just ignore her completely.  This of course agitated her more but I figure eventually she will calm down and talk to me about it.  If not, then I guess I will not complete the application and we will not do the event.

I wish there were a few simple answers in this.  Even the staff at the program Hunter is in are confused by his behaviors.  This is because one day something that causes a meltdown the next day he handles fine but the next it's a problem again.  It's very hard to predict at all what will trigger a meltdown in either child.  This ever changing challenge is clearly more then I can handle.  I am still leaning on God and praying for answers.  I know this is all part of his plan and that he is providing me strength to get through each day, sometimes each moment.  I'm so sad to leave my little baby boy in the hospital and not be able to hug and tuck him in for bed each night.  God give me strength because I still can't do this alone.