New Beginnings... Full of Hope!

The last year has been a tough journey with our family.  It has always been difficult to understand the challenges we have been given.  We seem to run into problems everywhere we go.  From behavior problems, to school bullies, to doctors spanking our children.  I started to feel defeated and that there was no hope for us to get our kids to adulthood in one piece.  In the last year I felt the loss of support of those closest to me and truly felt lost.  I also felt a sense of loss of what a family is suppose to be more in the last year then I have ever felt before.  I know it doesn't help to think of what a typical family experiences, because we will never be able to enjoy the same kind of experiences.  Things that seem so simple, never are.

A few months ago we returned to church.  This is truly the most rewarding thing we have done in a long time.  It didn't change over night, it has taken time for me to change my focus and where I gather my strength.  When we stopped going to church for awhile I was still reading my Bible and focused on God and gradually I got lazy and then frustrated with God's plan.  It hurt that all I ever dreamed of was having a family, yet I never dreamed having a family would be this hard.  I wanted more.  I wanted the family that could enjoy school events without leaving in tears.  I wanted to be able to have my kids participate in sports without having a meltdowns or them hurting another child.  Or even just attend school like every other child, not in a special class, being suspended and eventually pulled from the public schools because they just plain don't have what is needed.  Our marriage has also struggled, although we are thoroughly committed to and love each other and our kids.  We thankfully have been able to avoid the fate that many families with children on the spectrum succumb to.

Returning to church brought me out of a slump that I had fallen into.  I was depressed and angry with everything I was having to deal with.  I truly felt lost and hopeless.  I didn't not believe, I just allowed myself to not trust or have faith.  Within weeks of returning to church Pat was offered a job that would put us in a position to be able to seek out some of the treatments we had not previously done due to the cost.  The job is in another state and we will be moving the family, but we are waiting for a year to give us time to prepare (can't move kids like this overnight).  It also is allowing me to quit working and focus solely on the kids and my family.  It's hard being apart but I believe in my heart that this is where we are suppose to be right now.  It is more important for one of us to be there 100% than only 50% each.

One area I struggled with while out of church was why we were given these struggles.  I knew it's not my place to ask God why, but it happens sometimes.  I knew God had a plan, but I felt weak and struggled just to wake up each day and get out of bed.  I'd lost my drive to do anymore.  When I returned to church, I quickly felt God's love, comfort and strength.  I had renewed energy to push forward and become an advocate for my children again and find them the help they need.  I am ready to fight and win and I have God on my side - I cannot lose!

There's a song by Matthew West called "Strong Enough", this song so clearly defines everything I have gone through in the last year.  I don't want to post the whole song and I really could not pull parts out (check it out though).  But it says exactly what I now know, and really knew this whole time but wasn't listening.  I'm not strong enough on my own but God is strong when I am weak!  I not only will get through this, but I believe again that God has blessed my children in so many ways and these challenges are nothing more then a part of that plan.