Letting Go

I've started several posts and just haven't been able to get writing.  I've fallen into a slump with the kiddos since school started and I hate blogging about the negative.  But it is a fact of our lives and I really need to vent some of this out and start thinking it through.

School started for both kids toward the end of August.  It's been a bumpy (think large craters) for both kids.  Shana hasn't done too bad, although she was suspended by the second week of school.  I try to think back to my middle school years and honestly don't recall anyone ever being suspended in middle school (high school, yes, middle, no).  I'm happy that the school handled it well and even looked at the triggers and found that she was often flustered in first period and that set the tone for the day.  She now goes to the counseling office for first period and catches up on homework, reads or even eats breakfast.  This has helped although there are still minor bumps, but I think she is starting to get use to the schedule.

Hunter has been another story.  Virtual schooling has been tough this year.  He is not motivated to work and goofs around every chance he gets.  I'm getting frustrated having to sit with him every minute of the day.  I can't even go put on a load of laundry and trust that he will stay on task.  He has also been having more and more aggressive meltdowns.  A couple weeks ago we ended up back in Children's Hospital after a 45 minute meltdown during his therapy appointment.  He is starting to run away during meltdowns and I am getting worried for his safety.

It is so very hard and I beat myself up everyday trying to figure out what I am doing wrong.  All the doctors and therapists say we need a schedule and I am doing my best, but sometimes life just can't be scheduled.  We have things pop up; oversleep, sick, phone calls, visitors etc.  How can I possibly schedule every minute of our life?  If I try will it help?  Right now with the plans to move out of state and everything we need to get done our lives are in utter chaos and I can't even figure out what I need to do, let alone schedule every minute of my day.  I am sure this is adding to the stress and anxiety levels of both the kids, even though they are excited about the move.

I'm also feeling a little distant from God right now.  I trust God and I want to follow His plan, but I honestly have no idea what I'm suppose to be doing right now.  I'm torn between two things and I can't figure out what is right and what is wrong.  I'm really blind in the direction I'm going and just pray that He is leading the way.  I think I'm fighting for safety, security and comfort and have to let go and risk a little.  This is hard with these kids, because I already feel like we've made many errors and missed many opportunities and I don't want to make another big mistake.  Of course, if I keep following the safe path, maybe that would be the big mistake.  I'm going to have to let go and just trust that this is our path, I think it's where I'm being led, but just am not quite ready for.